Jellyfish Sting? I'm Your Man!

The other day, my wife, daughter, and I were at the beach. My daughter was wrestling with her new wetsuit, wrestling hard too, and it is only a short leg, short arm spring suit. As I helped her get it over her shoulders and started to zip it up, she says, "Dad, what if I have to pee while I am out there?" Without hesitation I said, "Just pee in your wetsuit." The horror in her eyes was something I will never forget. "Gross...Ewwww! No way! Sick!" "What?" I said, "I pee in my wetsuit every time I go out. When your body gets cold, your bladder shrinks. And if there is pee in it, it has to get out." I explained to her, "And besides, it is really warm, and warms your body in the cold water. Where do you think all the fish pee and poop? And what about the whales and dolphins, they prolly have HUGE poops!" "I THINK I AM GOING TO PUKE!" she said.

I have never really given it much thought in the almost 30 years I have surfed, but it IS kind of gross to piss all over yourself in your wetsuit. Wow, I am almost disgusted just reading what I typed. I will let you in on a little secret.....every surfer does it. I have never, ever seen someone say, "Man, I'm gonna catch the next wave in, run up the beach, trek across the sand, find a bathroom that can fit me AND my surfboard, pull off my wet straight jacket, piss, wrestle a cold, wet suit back on,trek,run, and paddle back out......be right back." Let it flow my friend!

Since hardly anyone reads this, I have a confession to make. I'm a pisser. And most guys are. We pee in the ocean. We pee in pools, not spas though, that's gross, not enough water to dilute, I'm not a savage. We pee on golf courses. We pee outside when we go camping. You name it, I'll pee on it. Every guy remembers the first time his dad told him it was OK to drop trou and water the tree. It is one of those male bonding experiences we will never foget. How ironic is it that after Mom spends days, weeks, months, pleading, rewarding, encouraging, and finally victoriously teaching us to pee in the toilet, Dad tells us to piss wherever we want outside, and we are never happier to oblige. I fricken love being a guy, High Five!

Whenever we take my dogs for a walk, I take our huge, male lab, and my wife takes our demure, female golden retriever. My wife is constantly saying, "C'mon, that is gross. Does he have to pee on everything?! Look at her, not one squirt the entire walk." To which I say, "Give him a break. This is his only chance for a while to pee on new stuff, he is tired of pissing on everything in the backyard." I feel him, I get it.

I have actually done extensive research on the subject over the years. I have travelled from Las Vegas to Cabo San Lucas, to Costa Rica. Not only is peeing in the pool accepted in this country, it is encouraged internationally. Three words.......Swim Up Bar. I have watched for hours, guests getting hammered at these aqua saloons and never leaving their underwater bar stool. Usually these guests are to the left and right of me, but we have already concluded I am a contributor. The water temperature HAS to be warmer around the bar. In Vegas you can even play blackjack while you drink and "swim". I have spent many hours in casinos, and after that 3rd drink, it is off to the restroom every couple of hands. You want me to believe that swim up blackjack players "hold"it?

I have played golf with my fair share of friends and strangers. Every single one has watered trees.....sometimes next to a restroom! I even pee in my own backyard sometimes, hey my dogs do it, and I miss my feet, 'Piper'. Why waste all that water to flush it? Oh, if its yellow, let it mellow? How gross is that, finding a bowl of smelly used beer? I am eco friendly, hypocrites. I would say I was going green, but you might get the wrong idea.

Funny thing is, all the guys who read this are nodding their heads, while all the women are scrunching up their noses. Ladies, you are just jealous of our outdoor plumbing once again. I think Freud had based a career on it, something about envy?