I Feel Weird, and Eddie Vedder, You're Not Helping, God Dammit!

(WARNING: One draft, much rambling, vomited words on a page ahead)

It's happening again.

The thing about vacations, is that I don't fully appreciate them til after they're over. For the second year in a row, I spent the six and a half hour drive home from Yosemite, reflecting on the much too short time there. The van is pretty quiet, except for the music playing. I usually listen to the lyrics of the songs on the way home, looking for a song to put with the slide show video I would make of our trip. I listen to music that represents how I felt about the entire experience. I put on Eddie Vedder and DINGDINGDING, I found the soundtrack. Most of the music was from the movie 'Into the Wild'. So I thought Meghan was old enough to appreciate it, and we watched it together that night. (I didn't cry this time, woohoo!)

Let me throw out the disclaimer before y'all jump on me. Yes, I have a great life. Yes, I have a great family. I get to do more than most people stuck at a 9-5. I surf whenever I want. I am my own boss. Yes, my wonderful wife let's me do ALMOST anything I want. I have a great house. My daughter is awesome in every way imaginable. I am blessed. But here is the thing. We're not grading on a curve, and the more freedom we get, the more freedom we crave. And the older I get, the more I realize, I don't get to get on this ride again. I've never been off this continent, let alone explored nearly enough of my own country.

Sometimes I look around and am in awe of all the shit I have. Yes, it makes living a bit more comfortable, but at what price? When does my stuff start owning me? I'm sure this is just a phase, but do I want it to be one. Don't worry all, I'm not going 'Mosquito Coast' up in here. I just want to see more, do more, experience more. I want to do it with my family. I want to make more memories of the outdoors with Meghan, memories that will last forever. I was a little jealous of Ian's kids and how young they still are, and so in awe of everything in the wilderness. I know it kicks his ass when he has to leave them for weeks at a time to travel for work.

Time needs to slow the fuck down. I'm going to try my best to help it. I need to escape from all the frivolous time vampires in my life. Remember reading books, I do, barely. Between the computer and the flatscreen idiotbox, I forgot how much I loved it. I deactivated my facebook and twitter accounts. I realized I really didn't care about 90 percent of the things on there, and they just took up valuable time, I could spend much better. Facebook killed, "Let's go have a beer and what's new with you?" Everybody already knows what everybody is doing and with who. Where's the romance in that? The only person I really think about nowadays is Mark, because he doesn't post everything all the time, because of his job. I actually enjoy seeing him and getting filled in on what is going on in his life. I became everything I'm talking about. FB is a 'look at me, look at me' technology, where I didn't really care what others were doing, but wanted everyone to know what I was doing. People who know me, know that's not who I used to be, or want to be. It was easy for me to get caught up in it, many others too, I guess.

Am I a good dad? yes, but I can be way better. Am I a good husband? I try, but know I can be better. I just discovered I need to streamline the distractions, and those who know me know I can be easily distracted, kind of like a dog, "SQUIRREL!"

Let's have a beer or three and catch up.